It has been said that there are three kinds of liars: liars, damn liars and fisherman. I would submit that there is a fourth: dam fisherman. When an angler says that he or she was fishing below a dam and enjoyed the experience, they are pulling your leg.

This topic came to mind yesterday when I made my 15,000^th unproductive cast into the tailwaters of a nearby dam. My friend Sam and I had spent a couple of days enjoying the recent stretch of warm weather by pestering the walleye and sauger that, in theory, should be stacked like cordwood against the barriers preventing their upstream spawning migration.

Late March is early, but not too early, to begin stalking these tasty fish. We knew the odds weren’t exceptional going in but the past few days of wonderful weather made it a necessary that anyone with latent outdoor tendencies should buy a new fishing license and head out.

Early spring walleye and sauger angling is mostly a game of tailwater fishing. We therefore clambered over, around and in some cases under the debris and rocks below the dam, barking our shins and becoming tangled in discarded line for the simple pleasure of angling. Then, we cast again. And again. And again.

The result for two days of hard fishing was one undersized walleye caught and released by Sam. The Expert Outdoor Writer landed nothing aside from a stick, two pieces of line with huge sinkers attached and some brown mucus-like substance that was apparently coughed up by a carp that smokes cigars.

Since the fish weren’t cooperating, I was considering this week’s topic as an outdoor column about not catching fish doesn’t make for scintillating reading. Standing knee deep in the trash while absentmindedly casting, I suddenly realized that there was a severe shortage of advice on proper dam fishing etiquette. Therefore, we will share a few lessons on tailwater fishing from a seasoned and permanently disfigured dam fishing expert.

The most important thing about dam fishing is to have an adequate trash supply. Most dam fisherman save all their discarded household items for months just to make sure they have a couple of full sacks of garbage upon arrival at the fishing site. It is sometimes sad to see a rookie self-consciously throwing away his bait container, tacklebox and even shoes in an effort to look like a veteran.

Selection of line is important, with bigger being better. If you weren’t aware, every dam in the country has a catfish living in the deep water below the gates that is so big a commercial diver swam into its mouth and vowed never to go near the water again. At least that is what I have been told. This is why you see many anglers using line that was purchased at a water skiing shop.

If you don’t have heavy line, don’t worry. There is always plenty lying around underfoot and in the river, left there by some magic line fairy for the benefit of all anglers. If you can’t find a suitable hank of line, look around for a baby duckling because there is usually at least one that has managed to entangle itself in monofilament.

Terminal tackle for dam fishing is highly specialized. Forget those expensive store-bought sinkers in their fancy packages because a handful of old wheel weights and spark plugs will make you appear like a old hand if not especially bright.

Rocks are the source of the biggest annoyance for dam fisherman: chronic compound fractures. Some dams feature erosion control riprap made of fist-sized rocks that roll when walked upon, eventually resulting in a severely sprained ankle and nasty fall. However you are not often this lucky. Sometimes you have to deal with The Big Rocks.

Large riprap ranges in size from bowling balls to car engines. The bigger ones are there to anchor the smaller while the smaller are there to shift slightly when walked upon. This results in an off-balance fall that will pitch the angler onto the knife edge of a big rock, much to the delight of the National Orthopedic Surgeon’s Association.

The problem is that most small rocks are firmly anchored. This is to gain your trust until you step on the one small slab (determined by random drawing) that will spring the trap. Then, it is “Hello traction splint!” Watch out for sharp-edged trash when you fall. Dam fisherman should have their tetanus shot up to date.

I would like to continue, but in retrospect it is apparent that the heartache, lost tackle and broken kneecaps aren’t really worth the effort. I thereby resign my commission to start playing golf instead.

Note from the editor: Don’t believe that last statement. He is, after all, a dam fisherman.

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