I found myself sitting at the bottom of a lake watching the fish swim by.  This was not because of any ugly entanglements involving organized crime and concrete footwear, but simply my way of spending a pleasant day scuba diving.

Yours Truly is a member of an underwater rescue/recovery team and frequently spends time wallowing around deep in smelly filth looking for grossly offensive items, much like a television news crew.  Yesterday found me sitting tethered to a rope, chest deep in a local pond while serving as a safety diver during our team training.   Everything was going fine until a heavy cloud of boredom descended and I was nearly overcome by listlessness.

Since I was linked to shore and could be summoned instantly in an emergency, I put my head under water and sat on the bottom, simply breathing and watching the underwater parade floating past my chosen little clump of weeds.  Remaining motionless for a large chunk of time, I made some observations about the local fish life that anglers might find useful.

BLUEGILLS-  Schools of bluegill are ubiquitous to almost every pond in the state.  It seems that they are present in every size from nearly microscopic to large-economy, scattered over every square foot of water.  Constantly in motion, they try to beat their brethren to any food item presents itself, except when the morsel appears suspended beneath a bobber.

The bluegill will gather in a cloud around a hook, staying six inches away but constantly starting forward then stopping, as if daring their neighbor to try the bait first.  If you have an active imagination or serious case of Rapture of the Deep, you can almost hear the biggest bluegill saying to another: “C’mon Timmy, try it.  It looks tasty.  If you don’t eat it, everybody will call you a yellow perch”.

Finally Timmy, having had enough prompting from the peanut gallery, will dart forward and take the bait, setting off frenzy as the other fish suddenly decide they also wanted a taste.  That is, until they notice our friend Tim is gravely distressed because of the big steel thing now protruding from his upper lip.  The crowd will instantly evaporate as the survivors look for a convenient hiding place.  However, being bluegill, the general panic only lasts 30 seconds until everyone reappears to look for another tasty free meal.

Larger bluegill are different.  Whereas the small fish stay in motion, the older fish hover in one place, randomly nipping at things and generally displaying the temperament of a grouchy old man tired of chasing the neighborhood kids out of his watermelon patch.   Occasionally, one will be cheeky enough to swim right up to your mask, as if to challenge: “What are you looking at, mammal boy?!?”  You should always keep bluegill- they deserve it.

BASS-  Again, there are two classes of fish based upon size.  Before bass see the far side of two pounds, they join in schools of 20 or so fish and cruise around the pond like teenagers making Friday night rounds on The Strip.  The small bass swim in a loose, felonious-looking pack while seeking something to beat up such as an unfortunate bluegill on his way home from a meeting.

Larger bass are always found resting against something, as if simply swimming around the pond was too much exertion.  When these bigger fish evolve to the point of breathing air, rest assured that their natural habitat will be your living room couch, watching daytime television, eating cheese-flavored pork rinds, drinking lukewarm generic beer and smoking a carton of cigarettes each afternoon.   This is intriguing, when you consider that he will have to fight your brother-in-law for the couch.

CRAPPIE-  Crappie are found in schools of identically-sized fish, constantly swimming in perfect unison as if preparing for the 1999 Olympic synchronized swimming try-outs.   I had a nitrogen-enhanced vision of an earnest television sportscaster interviewing an exceptionally perky crappie after the team makes the 2002 Summer Games.

CATFISH-  If not hiding under something, catfish swim in an easy straight line, not varying much in speed or direction.  As they cruise by, you are reminded of a nuclear submarine on patrol.   Perhaps Bass Pro Shops will develop a small depth charge launcher that can be mounted near the front swivel seat of your catfishing boat.

CARP-  Much like the popular image of these fish, they spend their time blundering around and bumping into things, rooting around the mud and generally making a mess of things.  Carp remind you of a herd of cows turned loose inside Buckingham Palace: fascinating yet depressing at the same time.

Photo: Eric Engbretson, U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service

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